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Women & Work
WOMEN’S WORK
It's time we discuss issues affecting women & work
We’ve all heard report after report about the gender and racial pay gap. While it’s true and deserves addressing, there are other silent, pervasive, and insidious issues that impact a woman at work - how she’s viewed, how she’s supported, whether she’s promoted and frankly why she's burning out.
In the past two years, burnout rates among women have increased while rates for men have decreased. Let’s stop for a moment to process that statement again! During an unprecedented global pandemic, a time of school closures, economic downturn, social turmoil as well as social and economic uncertainty, burnout rates among men dropped.
In December, 2021, Gallop reported that about 34% of women are experiencing burnout. And I think it's actually higher. Why? Because many of us are unaware what burnout looks like (Is it Stress or Burnout?).
And for many, dealing with burnout or taking time out to recover is a sign of privilege. For single mothers, one-income households or those with limited skills, limited safety nets (including healthcare) or support, there aren't many options for dealing with workplace issues that lead or contribute to burnout. Many times, women are told we are being irrational, overly emotional or causing our own issues. We're told to "just say no", work on our people skills, emotional intelligence or worse, it's all in our head.
Does this resonate with you? Most women I've spoken to not only say YES, they usually become emotional with frustration, anger and guilt.
Let's just expose the elephant in the room: The workplace is different for women. And the source of that difference is rooted in other people's expectations of a woman's role and her behavior. These "other people" are not just men, it's other women too! The unspoken rules that govern a woman's behavior and her work allocation are not only unfair, they're heavily entrenched at societal and unconscious levels. And not only don't these rule apply to men, men are actually directly benefiting.
Workplace dysfunction is everywhere and largely unseen. Moreover, as much as we talk about how the roles of men have changed in the past 20 - 30 years, the reality is that women still carry the majority of the child-rearing and emotional support responsibility in families; even families without children.
The No Club, Putting a Stop to Women’s Dead-End Work, a new book by Linda Babcock, Brenda Peyser, Lise Vesterlund and Laurie Weingart helped me piece together my own experience with burnout and workplace dysfunctions. It helped me see how we all (women and men) actively participate and unknowingly conspire to hurt women in the workplace. The authors coined an acronym - NPT - to explain those “Non-Promotable Tasks” women are saddled with at work. Look around your workplace, who’s planning gatherings and social get-togethers, fundraising or team building events, compiling presentations and status updates, taking meeting minutes, training the new employee, creating and documenting new and existing departmental procedures, sorting out when everyone can be available for a key meeting, conducting interviews, developing and coaching interns, junior team members or colleagues, helping a colleague finish their work, etc; the list goes on! At times these tasks look like "house work" while others come disguised as opportunities for visibility and exposure. Sometimes, we even convince ourselves they're “fairly” allocated or part of "paying our dues"; but neither is true.
The problem is the more of these NPTs you have, the less time you have available to work on the activities that are part of your job - what you're measured on and what really counts. Many women start working longer hours to avoid falling behind which is why women work significantly more than their male peers.
You've probably been told by a well-meaning friend (or partner) to "just say no". Turns out, it’s often not possible because women are penalized when they don't conform with gender norms. We expect women to say yes; that's why they're asked to take on this work more often and why men won't volunteer when in mixed gender groups. Privilege also comes into play here because women of color are under even more pressure to take on NPTs and suffer greater consequences as a result.
As your NPT load increases, you are viewed as being less productive and less able to prioritize tasks. Other peers with less load are seen as better able to prioritize promotable work, more focused and ultimately are promoted faster. All these consequences leads to job dissatisfaction, increased turnover, resentment, tension with co-workers (mostly men), but the personal toll is high as it eventually leads to emotional exhaustion - Burnout!
What is Burnout
We are all familiar with the Stress response – when confronted by a stressor (i.e.: a lion, an aggressor, a deadline) – our body goes into fight, flight or freeze. When we are in stress, the nervous system signals for cortisol and adrenaline to help you cope with the immediate danger. When the stressor is dealt with, the para-sympathetic nervous system goes to work signaling safety to our “rest and digest” processes. This system works great when we’re able to allow each phase of the cycle to complete. But with daily pressures at home, our workplaces, the world and our communities, we’re continually bombarded by stressors. When the parasympathetic nervous system can’t complete its cycle or when it’s interrupted in some way, the body stores those stress responses – in our tissues, memories, and nervous system.
Common Symptoms of Burnout
As these two graphics show, stress and burnout are not the same. We can experience stress (even prolonged stress) without experiencing burnout. But, chronic stress or unprocessed stress will lead to burnout. Typically, we try to deal first with whatever is causing us stress. But, when we're in burnout, we actually need to do the reverse until we're "well enough" to deal with whatever is causing the stress.
I’ve Been There!
From 2011 thru 2016, I struggled with burnout. There was much I didn’t know or understand at the time, but I knew: Moving to a new job was not a solution. Spa days, massages, or vacations were not helping to fix what ailed me.
In 2016, I did what everyone tells you never to do - I left my job without having another job lined up! I felt broken; exhausted beyond imagining, numb and deeply ambivalent about everything. Moreover, I had been feeling this way for years.
There was a day in September 2015, when in conversation with my husband, I said I would keep working, but my exhaustion was so pervasive that, without something changing, I was only going to be alive another 12-18 months. I wasn't being melodramatic, it was just a deep certainty of the emotional and health impact of my situation. Everything changed that day - not for me, for him. We had been discussing that I wanted a break from work for almost 2 years. But financially, how do you leave a good career with excellent salary and benefits. Moreover, it wasn’t like either of us were spring chickens at 51 and 57. And, with 3 children under 10, the smart decision was to just continue to “tough it out”. Hearing me say, this is literally killing me, clicked something deep inside both of us - it was life and death.
Twelve months was what I asked for; what I thought I needed to sleep, rest and do something (anything) that was not emotionally overwhelming; anything where I could find some acceptance or feel valued, needed or wanted. Mostly, I was saddened and anxious because I didn't know how I had led myself to this point. How had I done everything I was supposed to do to "be happy" and yet find myself completely miserable?
It turned out twelve months wasn’t enough time. Ten months after my self-imposed “break” my anxiety about returning to work was so extreme I couldn’t even update my resume.
It’s been a long hard won battle back to myself. I've learned who I really am, what I need and the gifts I bring to the world. I’ve learned to stand for myself and in doing so, to model for those around me what it means to practice self-compassion. I’ve also learned that many things I was told were “my” issues are not - they’re societal and systemic. I’ve also learned to own and work through those things in me that were mine to address.
I want you to know
Healing is Possible!
If you are resonating with my story or wrestling with these same questions, there is a way out! You don’t need to do anything as drastic as leaving your job or career. My journey taught me healing is possible and you can learn how to heal. I want to share the secret to healing with you. It is:
Discerning what is yours to work through and what is OPC (other people’s crap)
Acknowledging and processing the trauma that you’ve experienced (or are experiencing). Unprocessed trauma lives in our body and manifests as pain, inflammation, and disease. Processing the trauma may be uncomfortable, but the only way out is through. Releasing these stored energies involves movement, reprocessing and a deep awareness that you are OK.
Understanding your mindset, habits, coping skills and behaviors developed to keep you safe and alive. You can recite mantras, affirmations and checklists to discipline yourself to other ways of thinking. Their success will be limited because that which you are working to change came into being to keep you safe. It is a healthy adaptation to an early life experience. Your work is to understand, why you do what you do, how it has kept you safe and then assess if this coping style is something you want to release.
Learning self compassion
Understanding what healthy boundaries look like (and if you’ve experienced trauma, chances are high that boundaries are highly triggering for you)
Deep connection with a supportive group that understands, holds space and never “shames or guilts” you for your feelings, thoughts, needs, wishes or stumbles. Change is hard, takes time and is cyclical - meaning we need to do the same work several times before it’s fully processed and released. Accountability doesn’t work! In fact, it is counterproductive. You are going to stumble; it’s taken your lifetime to become the you you are today. A one and done or having others hold you accountable may actually just cause you guilt, avoidance or worse - shame.
Doing the hard work of sitting with our emotions, our shadow self, and giving ourselves grace. You are going to stumble. You are going to avoid the feelings and the work. But showing up consistently, building self-awareness and just being willing to sit with the feelings that come up, is the work you need to do. Giving yourself grace and practicing self compassion in those times when it’s hard or we stumble, is critical to moving forward.
Time
That’s it. Seriously.
The reality is that we are always in a state of changing and growing along with everyone else. Our brain finds so much change deeply scary so it works to convince us that staying safe is better. But eventually, playing safe becomes problematic because it doesn’t really get us what we want - what we really need to be truly fulfilled. Moreover, since everyone else is doing the same (playing safe), when we start to change, we make them feel unsafe. They tell us “Change Back - this is no good" and we spend cycles trying to conform to other people’s expectations.
That’s why finding a group of people doing the same work you’re doing is critical for success. And it’s not just any group that can help. This work is hard and requires vulnerability. If you feel judged or shamed, or others are telling you what you should or shouldn’t be doing, you can’t feel safe to open up. You need to be with a group of people willing to just listen without judgement or attachment to your progress. You need to know that you are the only person that can decide what is right for you at any time. Your only need from others is community and validation.
Late 2020, I began the work of launching ME-HER-US. Although, it's had several iterations, I've always known that the foundational core is about bringing women together in community to hold space for each other and to share deep connection about issues that are wholly unique to our gender. There are so many important conversations for us to share, but the greatest gap I see is coming together.
ME-HER-US is about building a tribe; a community where we can support each other - not just in the challenges but in the humor too.
Leadership is not a title.
Every woman is a leader every day; in our homes, extended families, neighborhoods, schools, workplaces, churches, communities, and so on. Whether you realize it or not, women and girls are looking at you every moment and learning how to advocate for themselves by observing you.
You are a leader, a mentor and a guide. And, if you're like many of us, you're exhausted.
My goal for ME-HER-US is to support you to be your best version of yourself; a place where you can rest and be heard. When we are held, seen and heard, we can find the strength to keep going because we have connection. Starting August, we will be starting a circle and coaching program with a small cohort of women who resonate with feeling lost, are looking for meaning and purpose in their careers or are struggling with being overwhelmed and emotionally exhausted.
It will be a journey of love, healing and reclaiming using a combination of group connection and one-on-one coaching. We invite you to join us if you feel called.